Shown To Be Better!!

Einstein’s Brain Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Brain specialists say his pre-frontal cortex (that’s all the stuff that happens a few minutes before the frontal cortex, almost like a frontal cortex eve) was much more highly developed than that of the average human.  Grooming specialists, from Hollywood oddly enough, conjecture that this synaptic hyperactivity could be the cause of his wildly unmanageable hair. Despite months of research, no reasonable explanation has yet been found for his mustache.

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Brett Favre’s Retirement Package Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Retirement package specialists say that Favre’s retirement incentives set the standard for athletes in the twenty-first century.  They include a warehouse full of Ho-Ho’s, guaranteed to triple in value if Hostess ever goes out of business, free replacement hips, knees and elbows as well as half-off rotator cuff surgery for the rest of his life.  At the time that he signed his contract, his agent told him that this retirement package was three times as good as the average.  Favre, who had just been sacked eleven times in the second half, misunderstood.  He thought that he had to retire three times.

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Pamela Anderson’s Lip Suction Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

         Labiologists, commonly known as lip specialists, working in a lab if you get my gist, have determined that, after several rounds of collagen injections, Pamela Anderson’s lips are considered vacuum cleaner quality.  She is thought to be capable of sucking a golf ball through a garden hose without breaking a sweat.

When questioned, former boyfriends Tommy Lee and Kid Rock refused to comment, but each had a sly smile and a far away look in his eyes.

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Barack Obama’s Jump Shot Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

         Basketball experts have indicated that the POTUS (rhymes with ‘vote us’, ‘misquote us’ and ‘if we’re not careful god will smote us’)  can elevate approximately eight feet, and has never during his term of office had a shot blocked.  There is no truth to the rumor, no, really, none at all, probably being circulated by Republicans, that Obama is permitted to use a trampoline, and that he has two secret service agents setting picks for him.  No truth to that rumor at all.

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Martha Stewart’s Christmas Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Her tree is always perfectly conical in shape, and remains fresh throughout the whole season.  Her Christmas cards always arrive in time, and make the recipients gasp with pleasure.  Carolers at her doorstep know all the words, and never sing off-key. Presents are exactly what the receiver always wanted, and, of course, have the batteries already installed.  Martha nogs her own eggs. It’s all just perfect.

Except, of course, when she is incarcerated after being convicted of  insider trading.  At the Alderson Federal Prison in West Virginia, all is not calm.  All is not bright.

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Not Mayberry, But I Like It

A letter was delivered to my house that should have gone to my neighbor, just one house over. So, good citizen that I am, I walked it over to his mailbox.  Good human that I am, I took my dog with me.

Halfway down the front steps I realized that I hadn’t stopped to get his leash.  So, lazy guy that I am, I walked on with the hope that he wouldn’t run off.

And he didn’t.  He stuck by my heels pretty much, with occasional excursions to check out the local flora, fauna and road kill.  We sauntered down the road, fifty yards or so. Near dark, no cars, no one on the street, no hurry.  It felt just like the opening scene from the old Andy Griffth show. Except that I didn’t have a fishing pole over my shoulder.  And I wasn’t whistling.  And it wasn’t a dirt road, it was paved.  And Opie wasn’t around to throw stones.  And actually, Andy didn’t have a dog with him.

Other than that, it was exactly the same.