Shown To Be Better!!

Einstein’s Brain Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Brain specialists say his pre-frontal cortex (that’s all the stuff that happens a few minutes before the frontal cortex, almost like a frontal cortex eve) was much more highly developed than that of the average human.  Grooming specialists, from Hollywood oddly enough, conjecture that this synaptic hyperactivity could be the cause of his wildly unmanageable hair. Despite months of research, no reasonable explanation has yet been found for his mustache.

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Brett Favre’s Retirement Package Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Retirement package specialists say that Favre’s retirement incentives set the standard for athletes in the twenty-first century.  They include a warehouse full of Ho-Ho’s, guaranteed to triple in value if Hostess ever goes out of business, free replacement hips, knees and elbows as well as half-off rotator cuff surgery for the rest of his life.  At the time that he signed his contract, his agent told him that this retirement package was three times as good as the average.  Favre, who had just been sacked eleven times in the second half, misunderstood.  He thought that he had to retire three times.

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Pamela Anderson’s Lip Suction Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

         Labiologists, commonly known as lip specialists, working in a lab if you get my gist, have determined that, after several rounds of collagen injections, Pamela Anderson’s lips are considered vacuum cleaner quality.  She is thought to be capable of sucking a golf ball through a garden hose without breaking a sweat.

When questioned, former boyfriends Tommy Lee and Kid Rock refused to comment, but each had a sly smile and a far away look in his eyes.

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Barack Obama’s Jump Shot Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

         Basketball experts have indicated that the POTUS (rhymes with ‘vote us’, ‘misquote us’ and ‘if we’re not careful god will smote us’)  can elevate approximately eight feet, and has never during his term of office had a shot blocked.  There is no truth to the rumor, no, really, none at all, probably being circulated by Republicans, that Obama is permitted to use a trampoline, and that he has two secret service agents setting picks for him.  No truth to that rumor at all.

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Martha Stewart’s Christmas Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Her tree is always perfectly conical in shape, and remains fresh throughout the whole season.  Her Christmas cards always arrive in time, and make the recipients gasp with pleasure.  Carolers at her doorstep know all the words, and never sing off-key. Presents are exactly what the receiver always wanted, and, of course, have the batteries already installed.  Martha nogs her own eggs. It’s all just perfect.

Except, of course, when she is incarcerated after being convicted of  insider trading.  At the Alderson Federal Prison in West Virginia, all is not calm.  All is not bright.

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A Boy Named Suh

The buzz from the world of pro football today is reaction to the antics of a defensive tackle for the Detroit Lions, Ndamukong Suh.  He lost his temper yesterday and tried to plant the helmet of one of the Green Bay Packers while his head was still in it.  And then in a typical show of good sportsmanship, kicked him.
This is apparently not unusual behavior for Ndamukong (say it with me once, En DAM uh kong).  Nor is it  especially compelling.  The behavior of spoiled, overpaid athletes can only hold my interest for a nanosecond or two.  It’s all over the sports news for two reasons; 1) there isn’t much else to talk about, and b) sportscasters and pundits like to pronounce his name.  And, in the recesses of their busy little minds they are making up rhymes:
Ndamukong Suh
Ndamukong Suh
Makes a quarterback black and blue
When the ball is snapped
He’ll run over you
And just for good measure
He’ll kick you too!
I’m just happy that Brett Favre isn’t retiring again, because nothing rhymes with Favre.