Alarm Clock Time Machine

Year 2010 - XLarge

The alarm clock in my room is set twenty minutes ahead, and has been for several years with good reason.  A moment of early morning math and I can safely bury myself again in the deep and dark paradise of my bedclothes.  For those fleeting twenty minutes I can, in semi-consciousness, feel that I am in temporary control of my life. The operative word being ‘temporary’.  When the snooze button time runs out and the alarm rings again, I groan out that math again, and the real world invades.

Later in the day that clock becomes a sort of primitive and interactive time machine.  Outside the bedroom door, the world tick-tocks in that mysterious and all-inclusive process that Einstein and Newton only understood dimly.  Inside the bedroom it is always twenty minutes earlier, life is still waiting for me, and so I’m never late.  Well, sometimes I’m late anyway,

It grants me power in some small measure.  Very small measure.  I have, in frivolous moments, fiddled with the clock to turn back time, but it just won’t go back far enough to allow me to argue with Socrates, or ahead far enough to develop a winning stock portfolio.  So I settle, reluctantly, for that respite under the bedclothes, and the fantasy of what I can do with that extra twenty minutes.  


Anyone else ever do something like this?



Shown To Be Better!!

Einstein’s Brain Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Brain specialists say his pre-frontal cortex (that’s all the stuff that happens a few minutes before the frontal cortex, almost like a frontal cortex eve) was much more highly developed than that of the average human.  Grooming specialists, from Hollywood oddly enough, conjecture that this synaptic hyperactivity could be the cause of his wildly unmanageable hair. Despite months of research, no reasonable explanation has yet been found for his mustache.


Brett Favre’s Retirement Package Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Retirement package specialists say that Favre’s retirement incentives set the standard for athletes in the twenty-first century.  They include a warehouse full of Ho-Ho’s, guaranteed to triple in value if Hostess ever goes out of business, free replacement hips, knees and elbows as well as half-off rotator cuff surgery for the rest of his life.  At the time that he signed his contract, his agent told him that this retirement package was three times as good as the average.  Favre, who had just been sacked eleven times in the second half, misunderstood.  He thought that he had to retire three times.


Pamela Anderson’s Lip Suction Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

         Labiologists, commonly known as lip specialists, working in a lab if you get my gist, have determined that, after several rounds of collagen injections, Pamela Anderson’s lips are considered vacuum cleaner quality.  She is thought to be capable of sucking a golf ball through a garden hose without breaking a sweat.

When questioned, former boyfriends Tommy Lee and Kid Rock refused to comment, but each had a sly smile and a far away look in his eyes.


Barack Obama’s Jump Shot Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

         Basketball experts have indicated that the POTUS (rhymes with ‘vote us’, ‘misquote us’ and ‘if we’re not careful god will smote us’)  can elevate approximately eight feet, and has never during his term of office had a shot blocked.  There is no truth to the rumor, no, really, none at all, probably being circulated by Republicans, that Obama is permitted to use a trampoline, and that he has two secret service agents setting picks for him.  No truth to that rumor at all.


Martha Stewart’s Christmas Shown To Be Better Than Yours!

Her tree is always perfectly conical in shape, and remains fresh throughout the whole season.  Her Christmas cards always arrive in time, and make the recipients gasp with pleasure.  Carolers at her doorstep know all the words, and never sing off-key. Presents are exactly what the receiver always wanted, and, of course, have the batteries already installed.  Martha nogs her own eggs. It’s all just perfect.

Except, of course, when she is incarcerated after being convicted of  insider trading.  At the Alderson Federal Prison in West Virginia, all is not calm.  All is not bright.