Aesop Apocalypse

The meteor passed within a few parsecs of earth, spreading its invisible poison, and causing the dead to rise.

Or perhaps an ancient curse came to life, infecting a few unsuspecting tourists, and causing the dead to rise.

Or maybe a secret government laboratory had a breach of security, releasing a massively infectious research gas, and causing the dead to rise, ravenous and inexorable.

In any case, Aesop, the ancient Greek storyteller and moralist, again walked the earth, although this time with a limp and trailing a few decaying body parts, and dispensed a peculiar form of wisdom.

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A Macintosh and a PC were having a discussion about which was the more powerful computer.  The PC said, “Why don’t we just shut down, and whichever the owner starts up first will be declared the more powerful.”  So they both shut down at the same time, for what seemed like no good reason.  The owner of the computers became so incensed that he got a two foot long piece of rebar and smashed both computers into very small pieces.  The moral of the story:  Get over yourself.

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A squirrel decided he would cause some havoc by running half way into a crowded road and then running back again.  He thought the cars would swerve to avoid him, and there would be a very entertaining crash and a pile up.  Instead, the first car ran over him and squashed him flatter than a third grade violin solo.  The moral of the story:  People don’t really care about squirrels, and probably never will.

 ~~~

A mustache spent years looking up the nostrils of a man, always pining to see what was at the end of that dark, dark tunnel.  One day, a few of the mustache hairs pulled away and began to climb up into the nose.  The man, unaware that it was his own mustache that was making him itchy, sneezed with the force of a Guatemalan atomic body slam, and blew the hairs onto the shelf of his potbelly.  A few of the hairs, depressed at this setback, jumped off and committed suicide.  One, though, sighed deeply and began the long climb back up to the nose.  A trudge along the ripple of the ribs, a slow trek across the sternum, a hard climb up the Adam’s apple.  Gray, shriveled and exhausted, he collapsed into the cleft of the man’s chin and waited there until he was washed off during the next morning’s shower.  He found himself in a long dark tunnel of a completely different sort.  The moral of the story:  Sometimes it’s better to just give up.

~~~

An ostrich sensed that a storm was coming, and, in the fabled way of its species, stuck its head in a hole and waited for the storm to pass.  The storm turned away well before it reached the ostrich, but, with his head in a hole, the ostrich didn’t realize it.  He stood there for several days until the bright sunshine fried his feathers to a crisp and his head swelled so much that he couldn’t get it out of the hole.  Some ocelots came along and took pictures of this foolish animal with his scorched rear end held high and his head in the sand.  The moral of the story is; you can’t fix stupid, but you can take pictures of it.

 ~~~

An elephant and a raccoon decided to live together, despite the misgivings of their parents and friends.  ‘You’ll never get along’, they were told.  ‘It will never last’, they were told. But they were determined.

They found a cozy cave, picked out furniture, and stored plenty of food for the winter.  In the spring, the elephant emerged from the cave, stretched, yawned and sauntered off.  On the floor of the cave was a dead, flat raccoon.  The moral of the story: never shack up with something that can turn you into a Frisbee.

 ~~~

A certain car had one wheel that always wanted to go its own way.  The other wheels would yell “Hey!  Stay in line!”  But to no avail.  This wheel would always want to go just a little to the right, or just a little to the left.  One day when the car was doing eighty on a dirt road with ruts, the wheel pulled to the right and crashed into a tree.  The inhabitants were all wearing seatbelts, and survived the crash, but the car was a total wreck. One of the passengers, an ex-navy seal with an anger management issue, shot the rebellious tire eight times and then slashed it with a knife until it was in shreds.  The moral of the story; wear a seatbelt if you ever hope to beat the crap out of a tire.

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